The Risks of People Pleasing in Unhealthy and Abusive Relationships

In a world where friendships and relationships often define our happiness, wanting to be liked and accepted is a common human desire. However, this can lead to a dangerous behaviour known as people pleasing. This behaviour prioritises others people's needs and wants above your own, especially in unhealthy or abusive settings. It is common for people pleasers to end up in relationships with people who manipulate and take control, this is why it is so important to be aware of it. Let's explore the risks of people pleasing and discover why it's crucial for your well-being and emotional health to do what is right for you.

Understanding People Pleasing

People pleasing often comes from a strong fear of rejection or conflict. Many who engage in this behaviour feel pressured to keep others happy, even if it means neglecting their own feelings. In healthy relationships, it’s important to care for one another. However, in unhealthy or abusive relationships, people pleasing can turn into a harmful way of coping.

For example, consider someone who constantly agrees to last-minute plans to avoid upsetting their partner, even if they had other important commitments. This might seem small, but over time, it becomes a habit that undermines their own desires and needs. In this pattern, people lose their independence, freedom and sense of identity.

The Cycle of People Pleasing

In toxic relationships, people pleasing creates a harmful cycle. One partner consistently caters to the other's needs, resulting in an unhealthy power imbalance. The partner receiving attention may expect their needs to be prioritised, while the person pleasing feels exhausted and unfulfilled. According to a study by the American Psychological Association, individuals who engage in people pleasing behaviours report a 68% increase in feelings of resentment over time, which ultimately damage the relationship.

This cycle leads to emotional distance, making the connection strained. The people pleaser may feel trapped in a never-ending effort to gain approval, contributing to a growing sense of isolation.

Emotional Manipulation and Control

Abusive partners frequently take advantage of people pleasers to maintain control. They may use strategies like guilt or shame to ensure their needs come first. For example, a partner might say, "If you really cared about me, you would do this," leaving the pleaser feeling inadequate and responsible for their partner's happiness. Over time, this manipulation can severely impact self-esteem and create feelings of powerlessness.

One survey indicated that over 70% of individuals who reported being in abusive relationships also mentioned feeling emotionally manipulated to always put their partner first. This shows how damaging these dynamics can become.

In healthy relationships, both people are encouraged to have independence, make their own decisions without manipulation and make small sacrifices for each other sometimes. There needs to be a balance of these things.

The Impact on Mental Health

Constantly people pleasing can damage mental & emotional health. Those who engage in this behaviour often experience anxiety and depression. The relentless effort to meet others' expectations can lead to burnout, especially in abusive relationships where pressure is magnified. Research shows that individuals who prioritise others' needs over their own have a 55% higher risk of ongoing anxiety disorders.

Being in an unhealthy or abusive relationship where they feel they can't leave exaggerates these effects, causing a spiral of negative emotions and isolation.

Setting Boundaries

One of the most effective ways to counteract the dangers of people pleasing is to establish clear, healthy boundaries. Learning to say no and putting personal needs first is vital for emotional well-being. For instance, if a friend continually borrows money without paying it back, saying no can help create a healthier relationship dynamic.

Boundaries create respect and safety, enabling individuals to express their feelings without fear of the consequences. This practice can significantly reduce feelings of obligation and resentment.

Seeking Support

For individuals caught in the cycle of people pleasing, seeking support is a vital step toward recovery. Talking with a psychologist can provide a safe environment to explore underlying issues and develop healthier coping strategies. Many find that support groups can create a sense of community, helping them realise they're not alone in facing these struggles.

Studies show that those who actively seek support report a 60% improvement in their emotional well-being after just a few months of engaging with therapy or support groups.

Taking Things Slow & Recognising Red Flags

Recognising early signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship is crucial for anyone prone to people pleasing. Common red flags include constant confusion, constant criticism, emotional manipulation, and a lack of respect for personal boundaries. Identifying these signs early on, can empower individuals to take action, helping to prevent situations from escalating further.

For example, if your partner dismisses your feelings about a serious matter, this can signal deeper issues in the relationship. Understanding these signs can motivate individuals to seek help sooner rather than later.

Taking a new relationship slow and giving yourself time to process situations, dynamics and recieve support from safe people helps to keep us safe. We may experience an early red flag that a new romantic partner has some controlling or manipulative behaviours. When we share this with our loved ones, they may be able to help us understand more clearly if something is unhealthy or abusive.

The Path to Empowerment

Breaking free from the cycle of people pleasing takes courage and self-compassion. It means recognising one’s worth and understanding that it is perfectly okay to prioritise personal needs. Empowerment comes from reclaiming one’s voice and making choices that align with personal values and desires.

You can start to undo your people pleasing behaviours by taking small steps to express needs or opinions in conversations. Giving yourself more time to respond truthfully, instead of responding right away with a "yes". You can also be more selective about spending time with people who support you to express your needs and opinions. Over time, this will help restore balance in your relationships and improve self-esteem.